Cambodia Month 2

Finally after all our time off our ministry started! Every morning from 8:30 till 10:30 nine of us when to an aids orphanage about 20 minutes away, the other 4 when and taught English at a church to younger kids. Afternoons we had a few hours off and then 4 us girls taught English at the same church while the boys helped with the building of it (it was only about half done) and the other 4 girls went and worked with prostitutes at a christian organization called "Daughters"

By far the orphanage was my favorite ministry. The first time we went a little girl who I though was about 6 to 8 months old but later found out she was 1 year old. She was so little and felt so breakable in my arms. It took a little bit for her to warm up to me compared to all the other children that ran and were all over you in a second. I would come every morning and for a good few days I would find her sitting by herself either playing or just sitting there crying, no sounds just tears streaming down her face. Everyday I saw these beautiful children being attacked by this disgusting killing disease and all I was able to do was hold them. We all know that there are children dying out there everyday every second but it is completely different when you fall in love with them and know that you can save them. I have never left the power of Gods heart that much before, at times it was truly like he was sitting right there crying for his children and it's because he was.

Ministry was going really good and the team was definitely getting stronger, but some reason I was going through something completely different. Joanna (my amazing leader) took me aside one day for a one on one talk. I broke down within minutes of us talking but I didnt know why I was having such a hard time with everything. As we talked we started to see where some of this "emotion" was coming from so she gave me two tasks to do. 1) Make an effort to hang out and talk with my team members because we were a family and there wasnt any point for me to hind within myself and try do this on my own. 2) Write down everything that I believe about myself good or bad and then find out all the lies that I believe example: not ever being good enough. Honestly I did not want to this, and part of that is because I knew that God wanted to start breaking me and molding me which can be a scary process to start when you know it is going to be painful. Long story shot I worked on number one but ignored number two!

For the last 10 days of outreach we went to a village about an hour out of the main city called Kampong Cham, where most people had not seen white people before. When we got there we had a team meeting where it seemed like everyone was in a really good place and ready for God to move in this place. That wasn't the case for me at all, I couldn't even feel God around even when i went to my bible I wasn't I able to make sense of anything. I could feel myself starting to break and there was nothing I could do about it. Our ministry during this time was teaching english which turned in to teaching the bible, and going to smaller other villages doing skits or praying for people/families. Things started looking a bit better and I was allowing myself to see God in the situation, I was loving the chance to teach the bible and see that my kids were actually learning about God and his amazing stories. After about a week of teaching I went to class to teach and was really hoping for some kind of break through with the kids, I felt really good about what God wanted me to talk about. I'm not sure what happened but the kids were hyper not listening and in the end told me that they didn't want to hear about any of this God stuff anymore. I broke, my first thought was as if I failed at teaching about the one thing I am the most passionate for. I sat in the dark staring out wanting God to do something but having no idea what to do, finally I allowed God to show me this great snowball of lies that I have believed my whole life.

Starting at the age of four when my father passed away I had felt abandoned. The hardest part about being so young when he died was that by the time everyone else had grieved and moved on I was just starting to understand what happened and that I didn't have a dad anymore. It was hard to find the father and daughter love/relationship that I longed for because it wasn't in the places I was looking in. This left me now feeling even more abandoned and rejected, even though I didn't understand it. Being the youngest its 100% normal to get picked on and I love my family to death, but when I was little it didn't matter what the joke was because if I was part of it or the butt of if it I would get upset. A way to look at it is to imagine and open cut that should be healed but isn't, and then having people poking at it not realizing that it hurts way more then the even know. The saying "oh stop feeling sorry for yourself" was said a lot because it did look like I was just throwing a fit, when I was actually just looking for some kind of sympathy. This lie of being weak and not good enough only got worse as the years went by. Boys liking me but then getting bored and leaving, never really being anyones best friend or being a number one person in some ones life. I remember a point in my life I think it was Jr High where I said to myself "being myself isn't good enough so everything depends on my actions" and to be honestly I still struggle with that today. I judged myself in everything that I did and if something didn't work out I would see that as a direct reflection on myself.

Obviously this affected my relationship with God because I keep telling myself that I had to do a good job at this (missions) or he is going to leave or reject me like everyone else has, which is the biggest bold face lie ever! Because I was judging myself every step of the way in Cambodia I was also judging my team which is a huge reason why I had so many problems with them. I thought I had to be perfect for God to keep loving me and that he gave me this task and if it messed it up it would be over. We all know that its not at all God to leave us abandoned and I knew that and believed but deep down I was so scared that he was going to leave or give up on me.

Hearing the truth and seeing the ugly lie doesn't always change everything right away. Even though it has been many months since that night I struggle with that same lie today. Being molded by God to become more like Christ is a painful walk but we have to try and remember that it is actually incredible that God is actually taking the time to help us become the children he intended us to be.

Hebrews 12:1-13

"¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

⁶because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

¹²Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."