Growing up in a loving Christian home is amazing and I do wish that more people had the chance to experience it. With that said even though i had God all around me all the time, there was always a block when it came to our own relationship becoming deeper and more intimate. The truth is, is that I blamed God for taking my dad away so soon in my life and not giving me the chance to know him or get over him. It felt like I did everything I could do on my own to morn and move on with my life, with out breaking down every time I heard the word 'father' or anything close to that. But every time I was left even more hurt and feeling more alone then when I started, so I gave up on that one and told myself to suck it up and be strong.
I had pretty strong morals growing up and did always love Jesus. I can confidently say that I was different then most kids my age because of God and the light was in me, as my mom would always say "People can see you are special and they might not know its God but you are allowing God to leave a mark in their lives". I saw the evidence of this with the passing years and the small comments people would say. But if I am being honest by the time I turned 18 being called "nice" or "cute" just wasn't enough, I decided to live my life for my own desire. Instant satisfaction that the world offers is how i wanted to live my life till I left for my DTS in Hawaii and would getting annoyed at the thought of giving up all the "fun stuff" I was doing and the "friends" I would lose. It is still hard for me to remember how dark and lonely I was, I hurt almost everyone that was close to me because I truly thought I was better then them and that they didn't actually care about me at all. I started believing everything that satan was telling me and i didn't realize till later that he was handing me the bricks to build a wall against God and block his say in my life, and I willing joined. I'm not blaming my past on anyone because it was a choice that I made to live for myself and not care about the ones trying to love me.
My cousin kept telling me for a good month to get a journal and start trying to write what was going on in my mind. I started to see that I had to make a change in my life but I would still get mad at the mere thought of giving up partying everything like that but i knew deep at the back of my heart it had to be done. I remember sitting on my bed a few weeks before I had to leave and for the first time seeing the hole I dug myself into and not wanting anyones help to get out. I was starting to see the aftermath of the choices I had made, I knew I need something to change but I did not believe that anything big enough would happen to change all that needed to be fixed.
What God did next I will never forget and be forever thankful
