Australia....

It has almost been a year since God brought up the idea/plan for me to go to Australia for the school Biblical Core Course(BCC) with YWAM. To be honest I still don't know why or what is waiting for me in Australia but I have a feeling that it is going to be huge.

I knew that I wanted to do a BCC after I was done my DTS but my plan was to do it in Honolulu Hawaii not really on the other side of the world. I don't think I would actually be able to tell you how many times God has brought up and affirmed me going to Australia. Along with that I have never had less say in where I was going, I can 100% say that I had nothing to do with choosing Australia.

Attending this school in January is (for me) a step in the direction of taking missions seriously, I wouldn't being spending and stressing about all this money and time to go across the world if I didn't truly believe that it is where God has called me to go. I have truly hit the walls and told God that I was done with all of this, I didn't want to keep going because it was to hard pushing towards something that I didn't even know if it was going to happen or not. A few weekends I sat in my room procrastinating journaling for as long as I could, but when I finally sat down with God and was honest with what was going on, things changed. To quote my journal from that night "I don't think Australia is going to work, I just don't see or understand how it could." and also " Please Lord can tomorrow be a new beginning." Now to point out two things about those quotes, is that I honestly felt like I had no reason to believe that i was going to get there and why I was bothering even trying and with the last quote I found it was odd when I looked back the next day "tomorrow" and realized that I don't usually ask for a change with the detail of timing (having it be fixed by the next day) anyways I wrote this all on a saturday.

Sunday, got stuck downtown on my way to church and had to get my sister to come get me, then finally got to church and have never felt so called out in a sermon. Like I have been to sermons where they have touched and moved me but never have I been to one when God was like "Okay Kelsey listen up this ones for you, other people will be moved but I have done this for you right now." It was amazing! Honestly so cool, then had this epic conversation at my sisters house about living the lives of Christ and what that looks like (it actually started about helping the homeless and all the grace and patience that is needed-random? yes I know) but it was a really cool conversations and actually opened my eyes to seeing my sister as someone who is walking a very similar path or at least has a similar thought process as I do. Anyways get home and started talking to Shauna about how I was still so unsure if I was suppose to go to Australia, just because I felt like I had no direction. A few minutes later (no joke) I get a weird phone call.... no big deal it was only my school leader telling me that I was officially accepted into The School of Biblical Studies - Bible Core Course! So cool how God works with timing! Honestly the timing of that could NOT have been more perfect.

Moments like those are what I have been holding on during this time of waiting and trust. I have never trusted God with something so huge before. The one thought that I continue to go back too, is when a speaker once said "dream God dreams" reach for something that you know you cant reach on your own so that you HAVE to lean on God to fulfill it. Over and over again God keeps saying "this is MY plan not yours! Let me do the hard work and get all the little details put together, because you could work your butt off but you wont come close to having what you need.... you need Me." It is the hardest thing to remember in this time, but I think I'm getting a little better - you live and you learn right?

So right now I have my passport and about a quarter of the money that I need... the only way I'm going to get to Australia is by Gods grace, and that is no joke.

real life

I was looking forward to this years fall and beginning of winter because to me it was going to be all about Gods and I relationship and simply getting prepared for YWAM and the Biblical Core Course that I am going to. Lets just say it did not turn out that way.

September I was so excited to start back at work and get my life back on track. Right away I knew things were going to be different then what I thought, I wasn't getting many shifts and my two really good friends weren't around as much. I pushed forward trying to stay focused, then one of those amazing guys who is completely wrong for you but you cant stop yourself for falling for him walked into my life, now that was distracting a good chunk of that month until he left and I thought it would all go away... yeah that doesn't happen in the real world!

October was along the lines of feeling really good about life and God, then to wanting to give up and live just in the world with worldly things (many ups and downs). I started to focus on work at just loving the people there. My friend Shannon and I started to build this amazing relationship with two homeless brothers (twins) at The House and it was truly so cool to see that if you just give people some hope so much can happen. They are alcoholics but were doing so good at staying sober for about 3 almost 4 weeks, within that time we just found out simply who they were, life stories, hopes and dreams, normal human stuff :) Sometimes if feels like good things will only last for so long, last week it all fell apart. I know we should have known that something could happen with them starting to drink again its just really hard when you dont see it coming because so much had changed and they had moved forward so much. That was definitely difficult to see because it was like losing two friends.

November (the two weeks its been) has been very very very hard. It has felt like everything has caught up with me and that I had lost my grip on who God was which lead to not knowing who I was. Honestly I keep catching myself believe the lie that God will give up or call it quits on me because I keep messing up and getting distracted by the world. The biggest thing that i learned in Cambodia is that I don't have to work for Gods love, there is nothing I can do to make him love me more or love me less because to him love is love. That is something I often forget because the lie of having working for peoples to love is thrown at me a lot.

When all of this was going on I started to think maybe I shouldn't go to Australia because do I really deserve too? The more I thought about not making it there the more terrified I got, honestly I'm so head of heals in love with God and fighting for his Kingdom - so much so that I'm getting Kingdom (in Hebrew) tattooed on my right wrist to hold me accountable and for my dedication for fighting for the one thing that is going to last forever. The thought of not going after missions or training for missions (right now meaning YWAM) scares the crap out of me because I don't think I would be able to pick something else to do with my life - Gods it, he is the only plan.

It took a bit of a breakdown at work one morning (my poor boss) and then sitting down with a costumer I don't usually sit down with and hearing her say that "God doesn't quit, we want to be he never will" to realize that I am still in the battle, thats never going to change.