Cambodia Month 2

Finally after all our time off our ministry started! Every morning from 8:30 till 10:30 nine of us when to an aids orphanage about 20 minutes away, the other 4 when and taught English at a church to younger kids. Afternoons we had a few hours off and then 4 us girls taught English at the same church while the boys helped with the building of it (it was only about half done) and the other 4 girls went and worked with prostitutes at a christian organization called "Daughters"

By far the orphanage was my favorite ministry. The first time we went a little girl who I though was about 6 to 8 months old but later found out she was 1 year old. She was so little and felt so breakable in my arms. It took a little bit for her to warm up to me compared to all the other children that ran and were all over you in a second. I would come every morning and for a good few days I would find her sitting by herself either playing or just sitting there crying, no sounds just tears streaming down her face. Everyday I saw these beautiful children being attacked by this disgusting killing disease and all I was able to do was hold them. We all know that there are children dying out there everyday every second but it is completely different when you fall in love with them and know that you can save them. I have never left the power of Gods heart that much before, at times it was truly like he was sitting right there crying for his children and it's because he was.

Ministry was going really good and the team was definitely getting stronger, but some reason I was going through something completely different. Joanna (my amazing leader) took me aside one day for a one on one talk. I broke down within minutes of us talking but I didnt know why I was having such a hard time with everything. As we talked we started to see where some of this "emotion" was coming from so she gave me two tasks to do. 1) Make an effort to hang out and talk with my team members because we were a family and there wasnt any point for me to hind within myself and try do this on my own. 2) Write down everything that I believe about myself good or bad and then find out all the lies that I believe example: not ever being good enough. Honestly I did not want to this, and part of that is because I knew that God wanted to start breaking me and molding me which can be a scary process to start when you know it is going to be painful. Long story shot I worked on number one but ignored number two!

For the last 10 days of outreach we went to a village about an hour out of the main city called Kampong Cham, where most people had not seen white people before. When we got there we had a team meeting where it seemed like everyone was in a really good place and ready for God to move in this place. That wasn't the case for me at all, I couldn't even feel God around even when i went to my bible I wasn't I able to make sense of anything. I could feel myself starting to break and there was nothing I could do about it. Our ministry during this time was teaching english which turned in to teaching the bible, and going to smaller other villages doing skits or praying for people/families. Things started looking a bit better and I was allowing myself to see God in the situation, I was loving the chance to teach the bible and see that my kids were actually learning about God and his amazing stories. After about a week of teaching I went to class to teach and was really hoping for some kind of break through with the kids, I felt really good about what God wanted me to talk about. I'm not sure what happened but the kids were hyper not listening and in the end told me that they didn't want to hear about any of this God stuff anymore. I broke, my first thought was as if I failed at teaching about the one thing I am the most passionate for. I sat in the dark staring out wanting God to do something but having no idea what to do, finally I allowed God to show me this great snowball of lies that I have believed my whole life.

Starting at the age of four when my father passed away I had felt abandoned. The hardest part about being so young when he died was that by the time everyone else had grieved and moved on I was just starting to understand what happened and that I didn't have a dad anymore. It was hard to find the father and daughter love/relationship that I longed for because it wasn't in the places I was looking in. This left me now feeling even more abandoned and rejected, even though I didn't understand it. Being the youngest its 100% normal to get picked on and I love my family to death, but when I was little it didn't matter what the joke was because if I was part of it or the butt of if it I would get upset. A way to look at it is to imagine and open cut that should be healed but isn't, and then having people poking at it not realizing that it hurts way more then the even know. The saying "oh stop feeling sorry for yourself" was said a lot because it did look like I was just throwing a fit, when I was actually just looking for some kind of sympathy. This lie of being weak and not good enough only got worse as the years went by. Boys liking me but then getting bored and leaving, never really being anyones best friend or being a number one person in some ones life. I remember a point in my life I think it was Jr High where I said to myself "being myself isn't good enough so everything depends on my actions" and to be honestly I still struggle with that today. I judged myself in everything that I did and if something didn't work out I would see that as a direct reflection on myself.

Obviously this affected my relationship with God because I keep telling myself that I had to do a good job at this (missions) or he is going to leave or reject me like everyone else has, which is the biggest bold face lie ever! Because I was judging myself every step of the way in Cambodia I was also judging my team which is a huge reason why I had so many problems with them. I thought I had to be perfect for God to keep loving me and that he gave me this task and if it messed it up it would be over. We all know that its not at all God to leave us abandoned and I knew that and believed but deep down I was so scared that he was going to leave or give up on me.

Hearing the truth and seeing the ugly lie doesn't always change everything right away. Even though it has been many months since that night I struggle with that same lie today. Being molded by God to become more like Christ is a painful walk but we have to try and remember that it is actually incredible that God is actually taking the time to help us become the children he intended us to be.

Hebrews 12:1-13

"¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

⁶because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

¹²Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."

Cambodia Month 1

After three months of go, go, go, learn, learn, learn I was more then ready to get on over to Cambodia where I would be spending two months with 12 others who were on my team. It sucked saying bye to my amazing friends who were going to other countries but I know that if I stayed one more day and learned more more thing I might explode:)

We started our outreach in the old capital named Siem Reap, we had planned to stay there for two weeks teaching english. there were plenty of classes needing to be taught and kids to be played with, so we started with dividing up everything up between everyone. In the end I got pre-school every morning at 7:30 till 10:30 teaching them their ABC's, and two older class teaching more the basics of conversations and such. Now that might not seem like a lot and it really isn't but maybe it was more to do with being across the world with a team I didn't overly feel comfortable with (I'll explain that soon). Everything seemed okay, I was able to have lots of quite times with God and read some amazing books on our off time. At times it felt like I was spending more time alone which didn't seem to bother me at first till I started to realize that everyone seemed to have found a buddy and with the uneven amount of students on our time i felt like i had missed the boat. Of course this was a bit upsetting but I told myself to just move on and focus on God. The thing is, I was judging myself on what I was doing never thinking it was good enough which lead me to judging the ones on my team. I didn't realize this until my amazing leader Joanna saw what was going on.

The first month of outreach was very hard in the way of hiding away by myself and kind of feeling sorry for myself... not the right thing to do:) Christmas was good and hard all at the same time, I was starting to see that it wasn't me against the team and yes some people were closer then others but that doesn't mean that I'm a sucky person. We had the week off at Christmas but we did two Christmas shows where we were teaching and they were amazing, I think it was the first night when around 70 people came to know Christ!!

We moved back to the Capital Phnom Penh right after Christmas where the plan was we were going to start working at a aids orphanage right away. When we got there we found out that the people in charge of ministry thought it would be better if we waited till the new year to start which meant another week off! (might sound nice but we had already had lots of time off) This was really hard for me and I got very frustrated with waiting, not realizing what God was doing and that we as a team needed this time. The leaders were able to have long one on ones with everyone on the team with the time off and we were able to have meetings and really figure out what was going on and actually solve some of the problems. Also at this time God was starting to remind me of my desire of going to an SBS (school of biblical studies) that I had already been planning to attend in april in Hawaii, but it wasn't Hawaii that he was putting on my heart. Needless to say lots was going on in this time that we were all annoyed to have... oh God;)

My leader took me aside and when we were talking she challenged me to write down everything i believed about myself good and bad, the point to this was that as I told her what I was struggling with it was obvious that I was seeing all that I did as not good enough for God and that I needed to do more. I didn't understand this because i thought we were suppose to work hard at pleasing God but I didn't see that my heart was not working as a servant but to be accepted by God, so it was more like I was working for him on my own strength when we NEED to be walking with him on his strength. Anyways I didn't do what she asked me because I think I was scared of what I was going to have to deal with.

DTS Part one

So I'm really not even sure how to begin with explaining the first three months of DTS (all you who have done a DTS knows what I mean) but I will do my best.

Walking onto my base in Honolulu Hawaii I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew that something had to happen because I had nothing left. God saw this and used it to the fullest. It has never been that hard for me to make friends or at least fit in with a big group, but the first few days of DTS were really hard, I cant pin point what it was all I know is that God pulled me aside to have some alone time with me and prepare me a little bit for what was about to happen.

I was coming into all of this from a very dark and broken place (as I have mentioned before) So after a few days of struggling to see that I actually had know idea who I was and that I did need God in my life, we had the first of many 'Base Worship' this was one of the powerful/life changing nights of my life. God at that very moment toke a hold of my life and broke through all the walls I had tried to build against him. He made sure I knew and heard him loud and clear that he loved me enough to dye so that he could forgive me and take away all my sin. It may sound corny but that is the reason he died, we sang a song "lead me to the cross" which hit me hard;

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

It was that night where I truly broke and laid all I had at his feet and allowed him to "ruin me from the ordinary". A side note to that night was that it wasnt like I was the only one who was broken but it was truly my whole school (36 students) all at similar points in our walk which was very powerful.

From that night on it was truly a non-stop crazy intense ride with Christ! We would have a different speaker every week who would speak on a different topic each week such as; old and new testament, hearing the voice of God, discipline and evangelism, kingdom of God(favorite week), healthy relationships, intimacy with God, intercession and spiritual authority, the Holy Spirit, character of God, servant hood, discipleship, and world religions! 7 years of church in 3 months!!!

Of course it was very overwhelming but the amazing thing with YWAM is that you are surrounded with a support system of people who truly care and want to help you grow and deal with the past and what God is trying to do in you. The fellowship that is offered is exactly what is need when going through such spiritual growth, and the openness to how big God is and how much he is able to do and that he is more then a big eye in the sky but he is my father, best friend, lover, and saviour!

God had (and still has) a hold of my life and put it upside down and shook everything that didn't come from him and that didn't belong out of it. I have never been through so many ups and downs, breakdown and pure joy but then i have never felt such love and so close to someone who loves me way more then I even understand. He has changed my life. I am not saying that I'm perfect and totally get everything now that I have done a DTS, no that is not what I am saying! I'm saying that he has shown me a new way to life, and I was open to hearing what my calling was and he was right there to tell me.... GO!

A little YWAM side-note

So my mom has always told us kids that she would support us finically to do a year of Bible Collage. Both Shauna and Jennette (my sisters) did a year and after visiting them a few times I thought I had my mind up to go pick one of the ones they had gone too. Anyways when the time came for me to start thinking of where I wanted to go I remembered Jennette looking into a bunch of schools across seas and I have know idea why (obviously God) but the fist school that came to mind was YWAM, and when I asked myself where I wanted to go and instantly Hawaii came to mind. When I actually got around to looking it up online the fist base that came up was Honolulu (which is odd because Kona is the "mother base" of all bases) anyways I looked into a few others but God wanted me in Honolulu Hawaii =)

YWAM (Youth with a Mission) is a school that is fully focused on encouraging youth to hear the voice of God and discover their calling from him, missions or not. It is a missions school so most of what is taught around the mind frame of "The Great Commission".

Loren Cunningham (founder of YWAM) had a vision that is the base of what YWAM is; waves of young people reaching all shore lines across the world, sharing the world and love of God!

There has been many mixed reactions with YWAM because each base is different and it is truly the hardest life changing experience that some people go through spiritually and emotionally. Its definitely not a place where you go to sit around gaining knowledge thats just going to sit beside you as you go through life. Its a place that allows God to grab your world, turn it upside down and shake everything out that he doesn't want there!

The motto the unites YWAM and the people serving in it is "Know God and Make God Known" its pretty simple, but then again most things that God asks for are simple we just have an awesome way of over complicating them.

I cant say enough good things about them because my life has never been the same since, and I am SO grateful for this environment that offers a mind frame and life style with no limitations on God because our God as NO LIMITS!