I was looking forward to this years fall and beginning of winter because to me it was going to be all about Gods and I relationship and simply getting prepared for YWAM and the Biblical Core Course that I am going to. Lets just say it did not turn out that way.
September I was so excited to start back at work and get my life back on track. Right away I knew things were going to be different then what I thought, I wasn't getting many shifts and my two really good friends weren't around as much. I pushed forward trying to stay focused, then one of those amazing guys who is completely wrong for you but you cant stop yourself for falling for him walked into my life, now that was distracting a good chunk of that month until he left and I thought it would all go away... yeah that doesn't happen in the real world!
October was along the lines of feeling really good about life and God, then to wanting to give up and live just in the world with worldly things (many ups and downs). I started to focus on work at just loving the people there. My friend Shannon and I started to build this amazing relationship with two homeless brothers (twins) at The House and it was truly so cool to see that if you just give people some hope so much can happen. They are alcoholics but were doing so good at staying sober for about 3 almost 4 weeks, within that time we just found out simply who they were, life stories, hopes and dreams, normal human stuff :) Sometimes if feels like good things will only last for so long, last week it all fell apart. I know we should have known that something could happen with them starting to drink again its just really hard when you dont see it coming because so much had changed and they had moved forward so much. That was definitely difficult to see because it was like losing two friends.
November (the two weeks its been) has been very very very hard. It has felt like everything has caught up with me and that I had lost my grip on who God was which lead to not knowing who I was. Honestly I keep catching myself believe the lie that God will give up or call it quits on me because I keep messing up and getting distracted by the world. The biggest thing that i learned in Cambodia is that I don't have to work for Gods love, there is nothing I can do to make him love me more or love me less because to him love is love. That is something I often forget because the lie of having working for peoples to love is thrown at me a lot.
When all of this was going on I started to think maybe I shouldn't go to Australia because do I really deserve too? The more I thought about not making it there the more terrified I got, honestly I'm so head of heals in love with God and fighting for his Kingdom - so much so that I'm getting Kingdom (in Hebrew) tattooed on my right wrist to hold me accountable and for my dedication for fighting for the one thing that is going to last forever. The thought of not going after missions or training for missions (right now meaning YWAM) scares the crap out of me because I don't think I would be able to pick something else to do with my life - Gods it, he is the only plan.
It took a bit of a breakdown at work one morning (my poor boss) and then sitting down with a costumer I don't usually sit down with and hearing her say that "God doesn't quit, we want to be he never will" to realize that I am still in the battle, thats never going to change.
No comments:
Post a Comment