As you can imagine the excitement of seeing all the other teams and hearing all the stories from outreach. I don't think I had more then 4 hours of sleep a night the last week I was there.
One of the days I decided that I needed some quiet time with God so I went off to the local starbucks:) As I was sitting there talking with God and trying to go over everything that had happened the past 5 months of my life and for the first time actually realizing that it was over and I had to go home- the place where all the problems and temptations were. Before outreach my plan was to only be home for 2 months and then come back to hawaii for the School of Biblical Studies, but God had changed that to me going home for a year and then attending the same school but in Australia. The thought of having to face everything at home and live strongly for God in a place where people really don't care scared the crap out of me. I kept asking God why he was doing this. Why I couldn't just be in Hawaii where people supported me and where I could learn so much more about him. I didn't understand what was going on.
Just then God reminded me about something he told me on outreach; because I was so focused on pleasing God and basing his love off of my actions I had built a strong foundation of i guess you could say work ethic and such but the problem was that I had no real deep roots to base everything off of. So pretty much if I ran in to a situation that really tested my faith slash relationship with God my foundation would be easily cracked because it wasn't supported. I had skipped the part of digging deep with God and and really planting those roots.
So after God reminded me of this I went to the washroom (no joke right after). I had been to this washroom plenty of times as we came to this starbucks often but I never noticed the panting on the wall before until that moment, it said "The deeper the roots, the higher the reach" AS IF!!!! I had a little freak out of how obvious God can be some times. That phrase got me through the hardest times of my life when I got home and helped me see that God had a plan for me going home. It was perfect and completely described why I was going home and helped me be okay with what I was about to walk into.
Needless to say when I left and had to say good-bye to all these amazing people who at that time knew me the best out of anyone, they were with me durning the most life changing time and I wasn't going to see some of them ever again. Heart breaking, I have never cried that hard or been that upset saying good bye to people before, truly the worst night ever.
Its a weird feeling when you know your about to step into a situation, like going home but having know idea what will happen. Going to a place where you should feel 100% at ease because you have spent all your time there but then being scared out of your mind because you don't know how to act. Going home should have been easy but I had changed so much and no one at home really knew how much, so it was time to live out.
I was scared.
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