I'm not sure with where or how to start describing the three months that God gave me when I got home. To be honest I was a bit of a mess and really didn't want to be where I was, I had no idea what God was doing and it scared the crap out of me. A word was given to me right before I left Hawaii and it was "Intimacy and Identity in Christ" I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
God took over my life in a completely different way. It was so good in the beginning, spending everyday all day with God! truly just hanging out with him, reading, journaling, worship, sitting, cleaning, it didn't matter God was so present. Then it got harder and harder as I started looking around and realizing that I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to make a difference with being home, a light within my family and friends but I felt like I was failing. I did not feel strong enough for what God had put me in.
I knew God was good and that he had this amazing plan but still everyday I ended up feeling like I was just a wast of space... sounds dramatic I know but I was so lost and SO lonely. There would be days where my cousin Kayla (a huge part of my life) would have to call me at certain times in the morning so that I would actually get up and not sleep until 3 in the afternoon and just through away another day. I saw no point to what I was doing, all I wanted was to be back in Hawaii with people who actually cared and were there to support me. I honestly don't know how I got through the three months.
My friend John and I stated to study the book of Job because we were both in hard places in our lives. God rocked my world with this, he started showing me a whole new out look on life and that he does care and he has not and will not abandoned me, which I had found myself starting to believe. I can't count how many times I called Kayla telling her that i was done with all of this, that I didnt want to have live in this pain anymore! I was done with God and I was going to live my life for myself because God doesn't care, he left me just like everyone else has. After a good while of me crying Kayla would listen, pause, then repeat a few things that I had said and would ask me if I still agreed with it, obviously I didnt. God showed up each time reminding me of that call he has put on my life and the love he has for his daughter. I slowly started to see that God wanted to spend time with me, intimate time with me so that I could find my identity through him and him alone.
Not saying that after I figured this out it was all rainbows and puppies. No, when we choose to give it all up for God it is hard and testing... the path less traveled, but so worth it. I learned so much about God, myself, what our relationship could be, how powerful his Kingdom truly is, and who I could be in this world with him as my center! Thats just the beginning of it, and it took every second that I spent with him, yes most of that time being spent sitting on a chair journaling and listening to worship for hours on end. There is not a check list to follow when it comes to being intimate with God and finding out who you can be through that. God calls all of us to a time of rest, its funny that something so simply becomes so hard and seen as an act of laziness, yet God longs for it. A song by Jason Upton has a line that says "You are the God and I am the man" how many of us forget that on a daly bases, I still forget today. It sucks but it just means that we have to work that much harder at having him as our center, as our everything. He is the only one that matters, the only one that is going to last "God will never compromise his Kingdom for our kingdom. So it doesn't matter if your a full out sinner in the world or if you call yourself a Christian, if your building your own kingdom instead of being intimate with Jesus...if your building your own kingdom IT. WILL. FAIL." - Jason Upton 'Kiss His Son'.
I think that we forget how badly God wants to spend time with us, that he is truly our best friend, our father, our creator, our everything and that he just wants us to see that he does care. We need to be still, rest in his presence. Of course that is going to look different for everyone, but we need to find it with him because it is always a matter of HIS timing not our own! I truly think that learning and seeing that it is his timing in my life in which I need to depend on, is why I got those three months. No amount of money or work experience could ever match the time and energy God spent pouring himself into my life so that I could fight in his army. The Kingdom Of God, it is what we are meant to be apart of. Its not about rules and duties, its about the mass amount of love that God has for his children and that he is doing everything that he can to get this world back to the way it was meant to be - His Kingdom! It all comes down to that and how we choose to live it out. He has already made is choice, from the very beginning it has always been about us, the ball is in our court and I say lets freaking GO!
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