Looking back on this last year it still blows my mind when I see on all that I was able to do, starting with a course of inductive bible study, then to a tour around Australia on a medical ship, and then up into Papua New Guinea for 2 months. What a year!
I want to go into a bit more detail about this last year but please keep in mind that I consider myself blessed with how much I have been given, I don't take it lightly... it has just been a very challenging year.
It has been exciting traveling all over Australia and learning more about the Creator of the world but in all honesty 2010 was probably one of the most challengingly hard years that I have faced (yes I know I'm only 20 but it was still tough) but let me explain why.
So on my DTS in Hawaii God was very "real" he spoke loudly, I felt him every where, and I like to say that he swept me off my feet - won over my heart. During my first few weeks in Australia for my BCC God showed me a very clear picture; a tree root that was very thick and healthy it was strong and deep, it had lots of little spouts coming off of it going into every direction. But then the picture shifted to another root (from the same tree) but it was small and weak... God explained that the big strong root was my emotional relationship with him and the small weak one was my understand his truth - his word. So as God showed me that he told me that we were going to be focusing on the small root, not discrediting our relationship but just focusing on knowledge.
So I guess this was a bit of a pre-warning that things were going to look a little different this year with my relationship with God... not so much about what I'm 'feeling' but what I 'know'. It's a great idea, I mean what christian doesn't want to be pushed in their faith and have a better understand of who God actually is. Well it's a lot easier thought about then lived out, I have never felt so out of my comfort zone and so far from the presences of God.
God moved a lot on my school, as I have shared in earlier blogs but after the school was over I thought that everything was going to go back to normal... didn't go as planned. Away that I would explain what God would challenge me with is this - "So everything around you sucks, you cant find any real comfort, you're tired and worn out... can you still say that I AM Lord and will you keep going?" I would reach a place when I didn't want to take one more step and I would go to God hoping that he would tell me that it's over and I could go home but instead time after time all he would say was "Keep going."
Needless to say that sucked! But a huge thing that I have learned through that was how to be honest with God, to not put on this face saying that everything was okay when I would tell everyone else how much I was hurting. It took me a long time to actually be able to do that, and now I am still learning what the balance is - because I cant be mad at him all the time, I mean he is still God! I feel like I have the chance to really understand what it means to die to self and pick up your cross. Within this last year God has challenged me to lay down my desires and the places I would rather be (like Canada - my home and native land!) I don't think I have missed a place so much before, I really do love my country!
God never said that traveling the path less traveled was going to be easy, and most of say that we want to follow Gods will for our lives, but what happens when that means you have to be the one to make the sacrifice? I faced that a lot last year and to top it all off God felt so distant, I have never felt so alone. But to be honest I have never had such a desperation for something before in my whole life, I started to see how much I actually need him and not in a "Your God I'm your servant" but more in the way that we are meant to be one and if you are gone I can barely hold myself together.
So yes 2010 was a very hard year of studying the bible, laying down my desire to go home and many other things, understanding that even if everything is taken away God is still God, and feeling very alone in all of it. But I cant understand now looking back that God has been teaching me such valuable lessons, obedience, stronger faith, why I need relationship and what love really means. We are created to be with our creator and sometimes it takes "giving up" a lot to see how much we actually need him. I'm ready to take what I have learned at apply it to the new year :)
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